So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
