I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
