If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
