Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
