apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
