At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
