sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
