At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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