Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize