My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
