so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
