I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
