I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
