Redeem this text for a blowjob
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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