As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We were destined to go to rehab together
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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