does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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