Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
