Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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