I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
