i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
there is puke in my bra ... again
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
