I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
