well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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