Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
MIDGETS
????
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize