I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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