I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
