My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
