if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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