you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
