i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
