My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
