all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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