It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
