My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize