1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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