just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
