Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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