u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
