unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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