Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
