There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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