When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
