I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
