i permit you to call me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
