he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Randomize
