You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
