No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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