I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
