his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
