Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
