and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
