it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
