I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
