My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
