Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
