If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
What a dumb baby whore.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize