4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
BRING THE BAGELS
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
