I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
