3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
