I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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