I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
