If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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