So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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