I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
